When all else fails, there is another way out.

I know that nobody really reads my livejournal anymore, but I needed somewhere to write this down to help me remember this occasion. Not to sound rather cliche, but tomorrow I will be embarking on a new beginning. My whole life as I know it is going to change drastically and immediately.

The concept of this may seem ridiculous to some who have watched my physical, mental, and emotional condition wane and weaken over the past 8 or so years of my life, but it is going to happen. It has to.

Tomorrow I am beginning an overall health & wellness program. And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with depression and anti-depressants (the likes of which I have been completely against all along). Thankfully, the center I will be visiting completely agrees with me about anti-depressants and most "psyche" medications. It isn't a place where I check myself in or anything either. Thankfully, I will be continuing work and hopefully resuming a normal life...which you will note hasn't happened in 8 or so years.

This wonderful place is all about body balancing. I have watched it work a near miracle for one of my friends. Hopefully it will do the same for me, you see, as I am so...hopeful. Haha!

I hope to return six months later with an entirely new outlook on life. I hope to treat myself and everyone around me better. Perhaps some of my friends who have departed and not returned because of my 'bad attitude' will find it in their hearts to forgive me. Perhaps some will see that I am really not so bad after all. At any rate...

I am ready. I am scared...maybe terrified at some of these things. BUT I am ready. It's time for a change to come about. It's probably even past due. I'm ready to smile again. Ready to laugh. Ready to feel good about my day and myself. But most of all, I'm ready to get back to living.


-becca-

This entry is to inform those of you who know what happened last night but don't have many details and those of you who don't have a clue because it happened so suddenly.

Well I guess it was bound to happen seeing as how I work with kids and all, but I finally caught something just awful. It started on Saturday night. I was feeling pretty damned awful. I had a nasty cough, but the worst was the extreme fatigue. I told Phil that I needed to go to bed immediately. I could just feel it coming. I suspected that I was getting the flu because I had little girls coughing on me every evening last week.

When I got up yesterday around 12:30, I was running a fever, sweating, and extremely fatigued. When I did finally manage to get out of bed a couple of hours later, it was apparent that I was also very weak too. I was shaky and wobbling as I walked around. I had muscle aches in my back, my legs, and my arms. I was getting a severe headache, had a ton of sinus pressure, a sore throat, and my ears kept clogging all up. The cough continued and was worse than the day before. I had some miso soup because I didn't feel like I could bear to eat anything solid even though I hadn't had any nausea...yet.

Around 6 p.m. my mom decided that I needed to go to the emergency room. She suspected that I had a bad case of the flu and said that they could give me something to make the lifespan of it shorter. Boy I'm glad she had me go because I don't know what I'd have done otherwise. As some of you know, my job is classified as part-time even though I work there overtime. I have no health benefits, no paid holidays or personal time, and definitely no sick time.

Phil and I got to the E.R. at around 6:20. In the waiting room I started to feel nauseous whenever the water I was drinking would hit my stomach. I began to get delirious...I was extremely lightheaded. When they called me back, I wobbled around a couple of times on my way back into the room of the clinic. I sort of noticed that the nurses looked wary of me and were keeping their distances. Then again, I was pretty out of it so I guess I could've imagined that part, but if they actually were, I can't blame them.

Back in the waiting room we went through the whole take my blood pressure, heart rate, etc. etc. routine with the nurse and then she left and said the doctor would be in to see me in a few minutes. I was sitting up on the exam table when extreme nausea set in. I turned to Phil and said, "Oh my God, I'm gonna throw up!" He ran and grabbed the trashcan. I leaned forward to vomit (sorry for the gross details guys) and that's the last thing that I can remember. The next thing I knew, I woke up looking at my legs spread apart on the floor. "What happened?" I said. For a minute I couldn't even remember where I was, but I shortly became distinctly aware that someone was holding me up from behind.

Phil was sitting behind me with his arms under my arms and he said that I passed out. I realized then that I was still in the clinic. He said that I had gotten down off the exam table, walked across the room like I was going to throw up in the sink, fell against the wall, and then crumpled to the floor. Thankfully he caught me on my way down. He said my eyes were open the entire time so he wasn't really sure at first that I'd actually passed out. He said he thought I'd been out a minute or two. I was terrified. I had never ever in my whole entire life fainted before.

We were sitting there sprawled out on the floor when the doctor came in the room. He offered to call an ambulance if I felt bad enough, but I told him no. I was soooo out of it guys! Anyway, he did an exam and took some bloodwork on me. Turns out that I don't have the flu. He said that he suspects bronchitis in addition to some other things. I am now on doses of anti-biotics, anti-nausea meds, and pain pills. This morning I feel sooooo much better. I still have a bit of a cough, a sore throat, and some sinus pressure, but I'll take that over what I had to deal with yesterday.

Anyway, it looks like I'll be out of work for at least a week. Apparently I am really sick and will be on doses of anti-biotics for the next ten days. Kind of sucks for me because of the aforementioned "no sick time," and I really can't afford to be out of work that long because I have to pay my bills. It especially sucks because I am sure that I caught this bullshit at my boss' center from all those little brats *resisting urge to call them much more horrible names* coughing on me all of last week. The next time someone comes in coughing, I am sending them home, and I will be MORE than happy to tell their parents both why AND where to shove it if they have ANY arguements. *sigh* Well I'm just happy to be alive now. There were points at last night where I thought "What the HELL did I catch?! Am I going to live through it?!" It was really scary. One of the scariest things was how quickly I went downhill. If this happens to you, I would VERY MUCH recommend going to the doctor. Don't hesitate for even a second. I have a feeling I could be in much worse shape right now.

Talk at you later guys. As mom would say, "And that's all."

-becca-

So far it's only wet food being recalled, but I'm still concerned about dry food, especially now. My friend who lost her dog sent me these messages today. I thought they'd be of interest to all concerned.


Posted:www.theblogpound.com
The Menu Foods recall will likely be traced back to a mix up by a vendor that shipped the wrong material: Propylene glycol is used in pet food, and they possibly received ethylene glycol. Ethylene Glycol (used in antifreeze) produces the symptoms of renal failure. Either product is metabolized quickly and lab tests to confirm are usually too late to help with the emergency care issues. Both of these glycols appear similiar and odorless.

Respectfully submitted based on 27 years in the pet food business.
Posted by D*** Man on 03/19 at 10:09 AM


Posted:www.avma.org
The Iowa State University Veterinary Diagnostic Laboratory reports that autopsy and microscopic examination of tissues from affected animals indicate acute renal toxicosis including the presence of birefringent crystals, as well as other crystal formations. The effects are consistent with exposure to ethylene glycol and derivatives, mycotoxins, ochratoxin and citrinin, some heavy metals or vitamin D toxicity. At the present time the exact cause of this problem is not yet known. Investigations are continuing.

Posted: www.petconnection.com
1. I don't want to spread more alarm but this is really scary and weird. Sudden kidney failure everywhere just doesn't seem ordinary at all!!
It seems South Africa has been experiencing kidney failure and deaths in their pet populations too! But we never hear about this. It has been happening for nearly a month and the culprit in their case is dry food, tainted with ethylene glycol (antifreeze ingredient.) It's strange because antifreeze is one thing that animals love the taste of and will eat. Only a teaspoon will kill a kitty or small dog. It also causes nearly instant kidney failure. I wonder if somehow the supply of gluten in these foods got contaminated by it? And how?
Below are a couple articles from South African newspapers.
Sincerely,
R***

SPCA issues alert over dog-food scare '
February 23 2007 at 01:53PM
By Natasha Prince and Murray Williams
The SPCA has warned pet owners who may have fed their dogs with contaminated dry dog food to visit a vet immediately. A local pet food manufacturer, Aquanutro, warned this week that ethylene-glycol had been found in a limited number of batches of some of its dog food products. The substance is a type of coolant, popularly known as anti-freeze.
One of Aquanutro's biggest customers is Woolworths, which pulled the products from its shelves this week and warned the public in an advertising campaign.
Aquanutro said it had first been alerted in late 2006 by dog owners and a veterinary surgeon that some of its products had allegedly caused kidney failure within dogs.
"Extensive tests were conducted by accredited laboratories within South Africa and were initially found to be negative, until an in-depth and very intensive … analysis tested positive for the presence of ethylene-glycol," the company said.
The company had already alerted its customers that it was undertaking the tests and confirmed the traces of the substance this week.
The SPCA's Cher Poznan-ovich said they had received many calls and e-mails about animals that had died or were showing signs of poisoning, but she could not say how many reports they received.
Friday Woolworths spokesperson Dorothy McLaren said: "We have no evidence, whatsoever, linking our product with the death or illness of any animals."
Despite already pulling Aquanutro's products from its shelves, it was continuing with extensive in-depth tests to establish any risk to pets.
Aquanutro said the supplier of the ingredient had been notified and the company had cancelled all orders. SPCA vet Miles Penfold warned: "If you have fed your dog this food and even if they are not showing signs of poisoning, it is best to take them to the vet to be checked. "Once the symptoms are visible, it is often fatal." Symptoms include excess drinking and urinating, vomiting and looking off colour.
This article was originally published on page 5 of Cape Argus on February 23, 2007
Comment by R*** — March 20, 2007 @ 4:21 am



Also, another note to this whole matter. My friend finally got a hold of someone at the FDA this morning and the woman told her that the numbers of pet deaths being reported in Texas alone are astronomical. She said that overall three times more dogs have died from this than cats so far.


-becca-

I have been posting this on my myspace site, but I thought it would be equally important to get the word out here as well.

It is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that people realize what is happening with the pet food recall. It covers a ton of more stores and pet food brands than people realize and is quickly turning into an epidemic. Fifty three brands of dog food and forty two brands of cat food have been affected. Please see the list of affected CAT AND DOG FOODS on the Menu Foods site:

http://www.menufoods.com/recall/

One of my friends in Houston just lost her dog to kidney failure from Nutro Ultra Brand Wet Food. It was an absolutely horrible death. Five days of nonstop vomiting despite IVs and anti-nausea medicines before he died.

Neither she nor her vet knew about the pet food recall at the time. When my friend found out about it, she checked her food and it was within the dates of the recall. When she called her vet, the vet told her that she now knew about the recall and it is an absolutely horrible mess. She said that she has started to have many animals come in with kidney failure and she's been networking with vets around the country and finding many other clinics are having the same problems. She told me her vet has one patient with 2 dogs and 3 cats in dying of kidney failure with their pet food as the suspect. Her vet said that now they are having to go back through their vet records and check all the patients they've had through their clinics with kidney failure in the past few months.

I have my puppy on Nutro Ultra Brand Dry Food. I know it's not in the recall, but I'm concerned too. As far as we have found out, the ingredient that is causing all of the problems has not yet been isolated. The suspected ingredient is wheat gluten, but so far it has not been proven to be the problem.

My friend who lost her dog (CJ) is passing these sites about the pet food recall on to her friends. I hope if I pass them along, they may save some people some real anguish.

http://petfoodrecall.blogspot.com/2007/03/pet-food-recall.html
http://blogs.phillyburbs.com/blog_index.php?p=11620&cat=8
http://petfoodrecall.blogspot.com/

Everyone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pass the word around to all of your pet owning and loving friends. I can't stand the thought of more people losing their animals to horrible deaths like CJ's.


-becca-

Hehe...okay. Also, I'm moving away to Tulsa on Tuesday and we bought a house! Sheesh...it's all happening too fast. Didn't really even get to tell anyone goodbye. :(

Anyway, I don't have tons of time to post and I really need to go to bed. More packing to do tomorrow. For more details please go to my MySpace page. www.myspace.com/silkysun

You should be able to view my blog even if you don't have a myspace account so all should be good.

Hey guys! I have recently decided that I am going to be using my LJ as a venue for posting my photos. Do not be surprised if more photo posts begin showing up. Digital photography is one of my hobbies and I haven't had a lot of oppportunity to work on it until recently because I just didn't have my system set up for it. Now that I find myself capable, I will commence with working on my photographic skills. I'm supposed to shoot a wedding in March. Hopefully I can practice and improve upon my skills until then. Please have a look and feel free to comment. Enjoy!!!

What follows is the place where I would live.

( Hey, check 'em out! )

I weighed myself today and it looks like I've lost 7 lbs. I don't want to gain it back! Please help me guys! I know it's just a little, but I hope I can keep working on it.

I really need encouragement because I don't get it from some people who are physically closer around me. They just call me names and make me really angry and bring out a horrible side of me.

Thanks for always listening even if the side of me you are seeing is often the uglier side. :)

I looked like this: http://www.angelfire.com/rant/serenitylynx/becca.html


I know every time I get on my journal I'm being very vain and hurt, but that seems to be the only time I have to sit down over here and write something. Maybe if I actually had computer access, I would be able to post more often. Whenever I get on LJ I just have a tendency to sit down and rant on and on about stuff. I'm sorry guys. :( I don't really mean to do it. My LJ side is the ugly side of me.

Nooooooooow....I wanna look like that again. :( I've let myself go and I've realized it, but I can never seem to pick myself up or motivate myself. I just want to fit into clothes. I just want to feel alive and not tired anymore. I just want to be freaking healthy! That's why I want to be that way again. :( How do you pull yourself out of a hole when you feel trapped? Please someone help me!

So I have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG story to tell about my Hurricane Rita experience, but I am not ready at the moment. I'll update Margaritas for Rita and explain that phrase later. I also have The Amazing Story of a Box of Fruit Loops to tell. :) It's all still too fresh and I'm too sore both physically and emotionally. Basically, I tried to evacuate with my horse and we both ended up right where we started. Thankfully, the storm travelled north. I have to go out and check on him, but everything's looking terrific for me and my family right now.

We still have power and we have a generator just in case. Everything looks to be intact other than WE ripped our house apart and everything's in piles. We look like packrats! LOL! I WILL be checking on my horse to make sure he's doing well, but he's far enough west of Houston that I think he probably made out fine. I'm sure there were high winds and some rain out there, but nothing too terrible.

If anybody wants to come chill after while, you're more than welcome. Call my house or my cell and let me know. I will call back if you call me. I feel like I've been through a hell of a lot, but I'm just grateful to be alive and have everyone and everything intact.

I'm very worried for my poor friend Lisa though. Her whole family lives in Vidor and her uncle lives in Port Arthur. Her boyfriend's family also lives in Vidor. Vidor is due east of Beaumont. It's right in between the Beaumont and Port Arthur region. She said it looked like the eye of the hurricane passed right over it last night. Most of their family lives in trailer homes and they all went to friend's houses that were made of brick but were apparently surrounded by huge trees. She hasn't heard from any of them. I feel so bad for her. I hope she hears from them soon.

Very distinctly pronounced was the realization I had tonight that I may be whatever I wish to be if I only choose to be it. A thought that should clearly inspire anyone. Moments come to me where I discern that I do not need to abuse and degrade to the bottomless null all that is me. If, for only a spot in time, I choose to examine that which I have become, I am most disgusted. This is not because I am really so awful and loathesome as I often contravene, but because I can be considerably more adequate than I am.

To succumb to some conformity you must first be removed of your pride. There shall be no more shyness or constraint. Success does not occur from all ways tugging in separate directions at once. Much is left to do and I have not even commenced upon my life's journey. Too much time is expended being down on myself and then feeling awful for it. Such things are quite unnecessary and ridiculous.

Therefore, I shall sing when I want to. Dancing like a fool is necessary. Love is most important. Loving others is key. I will also learn to love myself. I will not submit to ridicule. Mistakes are made to learn and to be corrected. My past will always be my past, but I can neither live in nor dwell upon it, though I may glimpse back now and again. None of you can stop me. Being kind and friendly is important and I will strive to do these things and not appear complacent or cold. I need more friends and I should contact my old ones. I will ride my horse more. I will participate in more activities. I will spend more time away from home and make more friends. I will not give up or give in. I will NO LONGER live my life for my parents dreams, hopes, or pleasures. I will be successful. I will be driven even through my fears. I will learn to take risks and give things up in persuit of happiness. I will lose 85 pounds and look d@mned hot in a swimsuit. It is about time I started living life for no one but myself. Yes, I will always be angry. I have accepted that. I have also accepted that there is a part of me that will always be empty and void. No one needs to fill it. It is there to remind me of where I have been. I will enjoy life again. I will help others and be generous. I will spend more time with horses, in particular mine whom I dearly love.

And above all else...I WILL be beautiful again.

A nice, lovely rant I had over IM with my bf tonight. Thought it read like a REALLY LAME poem. I think you'll agree. Most creative thing I've done in a while.


i'm so f*cking sick and tired of everything
i'm sick and tired of life and living it
i'm sick and tired of my family
i'm sick and tired of being stuck in a rut with no where to go and no one to turn to
i'm sick of having no reliable friends in town that i can go chill with
i'm sick of going to work day in and day out and having breaks that feel like no breaks
i'm sick of everyone treating me like i'm some kind of a troll or an ape
i'm sick of feeling like i have to be running or hurting myself all of the time just to get along
i'm sick of not being able to be creative anymore because i feel like it's forbidden
i'm sick of not being able to walk around naked in my room freely for fear of some @sshole coming in even though the door is locked
i'm sick and tired of not being able to use a computer for a decent amount of time for crap i want and need to do that i can't do at work but have to do at work anyway because i can't get it done at home
i'm sick of not being able to go to the doctor to get a check-up and to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me because i don't have time, a decent amount of money, or insurance
i'm sick of being jobless, homeless, and worthless
i'm sick and f*cking tired of being me.

I haven't even been back to my house 24 hours yet (around 18 1/2 to be more precise) and I'm already ready to kill myself again. Can someone please just put a bullet in my brain? I'm really tired of living. Everywhere I go right now there is meladrama. My parents are treating me like I'm not a civilized human being again. It's like I'm one of their piggy pets they can just order around and make cower at their very command. I'm sick and tired of putting up with this kind of shit.

I went to Tulsa to escape it. Why did I go to Tulsa? My bf's parents are wrapped up in some pre-divorce dispute. I didn't even bother to see his psychotic mother. She is living in a two story house all alone because the idiotic woman actually thinks that if she didn't win the house in the divorce settlement she'd literally be living on the street. I think it is about time to institutionalize her. Phil finally told her that he knows of her 'little' 20 year secret. It's ridiculous the way she lives on with herself. She believes things her way and ONLY her way. Her whole family basically hates her. Phil and Kyle have had enough of both of their parents. The whole family is falling apart and angry. Phil's dad has moved into Kyle's house and does some cleaning and buying groceries, but doesn't pay any bills. I guess Kyle's letting him stay because 1) he doesn't know what else to do, 2) he feels sorry for his dad (who wouldn't) 3) he doesn't feel that his dad is in the frame of mind to put up with much else. Their dad is EXTREMELY bitter right now, and who wouldn't be? Needless to say though, it didn't make my visit there feel very comfortable. I was helping Phil, Kyle, and Jon with movie auditions. I had some fun, but it just wasn't relaxing enough. It can't be when tensions are strained taught and everyone's between pseudo-civility and false grins and tearing each other apart. There will be many tears before this is over. I pray that I am strong enough to weather it with Phil. I can take a LOAD of shit, but I think that I will crumple once it exceeds my limit.

For friends, you see, I am rather like a ticking time bomb. A LOT A LOT A LOT of things are pissing me off right now. I like to think that I can be a rather patient person. I can put up with a lot. A lot of hurt, pain, and ridicule. I am reaching that point where anger and depression turns to apathy. I hate to say it, but I'm REALLY getting pushed here. After apathy comes rage. I really don't think anyone wants to see me go over the edge. 1) You'll never hear the end of my ranting. 2) Everything will suddenly be thrown into a forceful uproar. 3) I might possibly lose a lot of people I hold dear because I won't be able to control my agitations. 4) Rage mixed with other emotions generally erupts into some sort of violence, even if it isn't violence against others, it will be violence against myself.

I'm sure there are people that remember the last time I went through a 'hurting myself' stage. Not that they read my LJ, but I'm sure they still remember anyhow. It wasn't pretty. Some people were really upset. I guess the warning here is, I haven't done any of that in a long time, but I'm really being pushed over the edge here. I've been trying to restrain myself from irrational actions, but if it does in fact happen again, I expect it to be MUCH worse this time around.

I have really had enough of it all. I feel like I should just run like hell. I want to run away from just about everyone I know right now and not say a damned word as to where I've gone. I don't want to talk to anyone for about 5 years. I wish that people actually thought I'd died. I think that would be the best thing. I often wonder in all the turmoil and shit that everyone stirs up if they would notice I was gone. I'm sure they would, but I'd think they'd think it was more of a blessing, less of a tragedy.

At this very moment, I am completely and totally content. No matter of tomfoolery can possibly interrupt my Zen. I am reveling in it. Relishing it. I will go to sleep in a few minutes thinking of how nothing is wrong and nothing can possibly be wrong. I will feel tranquil and peaceful and will ease into sleep for the first time in a very long time. I will sleep easily, peacefully without worry or concern. I will think only of love, happiness, devinement, ecstasy, and untold, incomprehesible pleasures too overwhelming for the senses. I am perfect because I am me. I am perfect to me. I know this will change, but right now I am happy. I am satisfied. I am content.

People are becoming successful. People are moving out on their own. People are getting married. Most people aren't alone. I can't say that I'm all by myself, but somehow I feel lonely. Left behind. Scarred and marred and burnt out inside. I know I'll never feel totally free. I know I'll never find bliss. I know I'll never have the kind of passion that I long for. The kind of passion I'll miss. I know I'll never be the kind of person that anyone aspires to be. I know I'll crave the simple things, but end up with a few small things. I know I let others down. I know I'm cast aside. I know I'll never be pretty again. There are few things left to hide. I know I'll never enjoy many friends - not even so many as I once had. Someday I will grow old, and though never frail, someday I will fall. I'll fall harder than the common man, but damned I might have given my all. Though I doubt it. I'll probably have given up by then, let meloncholy and apathy win, for I know I'll never be at least decent to look at again. Some have said I was pretty...gorgeous, maybe more. I never believed any of it, and still don't, and never will. I feel hopelessness. I feel longing. I feel old and tired; even dying.

It makes me happy to come across people being happy and becoming successful, because I have no hope that I will anymore. I can see what life has brought me now and it's nothing that I wished for. People say that I don't know what I want to do with my life. I say that nothing has ever caught my fancy - at least nothing I have found worthwhile. Nothing I can afford. Nothing I can desire. I should have sold myself, because I can at least dwell on pain.

I know I don't deserve happiness. I know I deserve to feel broken. I know I deserve to feel used. I know I deserve to feel ridiculed. I know I deserve to cry. I deserve the tears. I deserve to be dried out and not able to cry anymore. I know I can take the wounds I inflict on my body because it eases things some. I know I deserve them. I know I deserve to be ugly. I know I deserve to be fat. If I turned blind, I'd deserve that too. I deserve the constant criticisms I receive at home. I deserve to be treated like crap. I probably even deserve a most humiliating and painful death.

I know I'll never be anything at all.

My life is empty,
A meaningless void
For others to sink in
And no one to seek.

Being dreary,
Always weary,
Perhaps a savior
Is all one needs.

When speaking does nothing
Rest is unforthcoming,
Days turn to weeks
And weeks to years.

Sleep now my angel
You cannot be saved
Neither from yourself
Nor an unmerciful grave.

When you are young
You know all
But all is foolish now
Though I needn't say how.

Bliss was once free
Through torment and pain.
Now leave me my child;
I cannot be saved.

Happy...erm...birthday to me. Everyone at work knew. I could hardly get my family to awknowledge...cept mom. My bf knew and a few friends have either seen me in the past few days (couldn't make it for my real b-day, that's ok) or called today. Eh...it was a nice and subtle day without much incident. What more can one expect? Right? Right.

At least the British guy at work today sung me his rather funny rendition of the ever popular and well-known birthday song. That was a hoot. And yes...I turned shockingly red in the face. :)

Let's go for now. We'll put up in a cheap motel in San Antonio, just to get away for a while. I won't care if they think I'm a cheat. I won't care if they think I am weak. I am sick of this world for a while, so let's just go. I'm done for now and I'd rather be in a whirlwind adventure with my life spinning out of control than in this dull routine. Does someone wanna take me out for tonight? Even for a while? I'm ready to go. I'm bored. Come and get me. Take me away. I want to feel breathless. The breathlessness of free. The breathlessness of not knowing what is next and not caring what is to come. Isn't that how I should feel all of the time? I don't feel like being cancelled on and having nowhere to go. Let's go. Let's just run away. Flying freely. Somewhere far. I don't care where. You and me. Come and claim me. Let's go.


i love to whisper dangerously and seductively


And for the record...I must warn you....my hormones are RAGING!!!!! I haven't felt like this in YEEEEEEEEARS!


And for some of you....you know what that means. ;)

I am not happy. It hasn't taken me any great length of time to figure this out. I've known it for a long time. I am a HUGE loser. I am 22 and living at home with my parents and siblings. I am paying bills on my horse which is like an apartment rent with utilities. I have a car, but my parents pay the insurance (Thank God! I can't afford to pay it, though I wish I could). I have no steady permanent job. I work at a lousy job for around 50 hours or more every week making $9.00 an hour with no overtime. I am a loser.
The worst part is that I've recently made a revelation. I am trying to commit suicide. A very painful, long, and humiliating suicide. That is all I can conclude that this is. My blood pressure is through the roof, and I am going to overeat myself into oblivion. Soon I won't be able to work out. Then I won't be able to walk. Then I will just lay in a bed until I can no longer breathe. That is all I can figure. I am killing myself and I see no good way of stopping it and I'm not really sure that I even care all that much. I try to run into as few past acquaintances as possible so I don't have to be more humiliated than I already am. However, I am really wondering how bad it would be. I'm still trying to decide whether I like this pain or not. Whether I revel in the sadness. I think I probably do.
I think I must enjoy the tragedy in life...and that is why I will always feel that my life is tragic.

If it keeps up exactly the way it has...I will have a heart attack by 24 or 26. And no, I'm really not kidding.

I have determined recently that I don't really have too many friends left in my life, but I think I'm perfectly content for it to remain that way for now. I am happy to have a couple of friends reintroduced to my life...strong female friends are the best, especially when you know you can depend on them not to splurge all of the details of your life and constantly become drama queens at the drop of a hat. Yes, it is nice to know you have friends that really value you.
What has been irritating the f*** out of me lately are some people that I have called friends in the more recent past. What I'd LOOOOOOOOOOVE to know is how you all expect me to be your friend when you always try to make your lives seem more important than mine? I get answers like "Oh, that's nothing! Listen what happened to me!!!" as if it is some GRAVE injustice that I would like to voice my problem at the moment because you think your situations were so much WORSE than mine or SO MUCH BETTER. You know what, I don't want to hear about other people's situations when I'm trying to explain mine ALL THE TIME. It isn't that I don't care about you or whatever horrible thing has happened to you, but WHY OH WHY do you ALWAYS feel the need to try to outdo me? Yes, your parents are divorced, mine are not. I'm sorry. I'm SORRY you had to go through some horrible divorce and legal battles. I'm sorry life tossed you that card, but just because I still have a family that is together doesn't mean that I'm perfect. It doesn't mean that I don't get in fights with my family. It doesn't mean that your family life ALWAYS has to be so much more tragic than mine. Some of you treat your mothers like shit, I typically try not to do so. Maybe if you spent a little more time getting along with your mom and getting to know her and treating her like a civil and decent human being you wouldn't always feel the need to tell me what a bitch your mom is and how tragic and awful your homelives are.
I'm also sick and tired of these people telling me how f***ing mature they are. You know what, you're in your 20s. GROW THE F*** UP! I'm not mature and neither are you. Stop going on about it, find some peace and contentment in your lives and then maybe we'll talk. Frankly, I don't want to be mature, cuz that means I'm old. *smirk* I want to be young and have fun. I want to be able to live without GREAT bounds of that thing called RESPONSIBILITY, and frankly, I don't know how much longer I have.
***NEWSFLASH*** IF YOU ARE CALLING YOURSELF MATURE AND GROWN UP, YOU ARE DEFINATELY NOTHING OF THE SORT. TO ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD "HEY I'M MATURE" IS SETTING YOU UP FOR MATURITY FAILURE (in other worlds, you're an immature nitwit). YOU WILL BE GETTING A GOOD KICK IN THE NUTS WHEN YOU GO OUT TO FIND A JOB. If you're still on drinking binges, still talking about how 'cool' you and your friends are, and also talking about how great and gorgeous you are, maybe it IS time you took a good look in the mirror. No, I'm not calling you ugly, but this is your comeuppance! Pretending your life is really all that great is not going to get you anywhere. You can hide anything from yourself by using that mask. I mean, afterall, if I had my life's synopsis down to a tee it would be something like this:
Get skinny, get pretty, get some vocal lessons, get famous, get on stage, rock the world with my solo rock artist career.
Sounds like a pretty mature dream, right? HA! I have come to terms with some of the facts of my life, such as, I will never be a singer...which was BTW a life-long dream. I think there are some of you that don't treat people as decent human beings. I don't like being talked about behind my back and I'm sure you don't appreciate it either. In fact, I know you don't because when you hear about it, you throw hissy fits, sometimes break into unnecessary tears, bitch on about it, and generally someone will get slapped for it...and I think it's usually a guy. Why don't you just DEAL with it? Not everyone in your life is going to like you and bow down before you.
Oh, and did I mention that if your boyfriend is running around chewing up former friends and 'lovers' that you are DEFINATELY not mature? Partially cuz I have a feeling you put him up to it, and also because if you didn't, you certainly didn't try to stop him. Yeah, I throw fits for people to defend my friends, but it's generally because I get so ticked off that I put MYSELF up to it. I think I had better stop doing this for some people because it is returned with little gratitude, and what do I get out of it? The satisfaction of knowing I've made another enemy? Well...that may have happened anyway, but oh well.
Also, for the last time, I know that some of you hate Bush and voted for Kerry, guess what? I'm TIRED of hearing about it. Kerry lost, the end. Be bitter, but don't whine til you ACTUALLY have something to whine about. Guess what? The world HASN'T ended yet. I'm tired of hearing about the end of the world due to one person. ReF***INGdiculous!
I'm tired of having to post stuff like this in my livejournal. Seems like that's all I get on for anymore. I worked around 60 hours this week. Do you people think I really wanna think about how horrible some of the things you do are all day? NO I DON'T. Is that plain and simple enough for you?
I'm just about ready to get rid of some two-faced people. I don't enjoy having two-faced friends. I'm sure you don't either...which is funny...most of your other friends seem pretty two-faced to me.

*snort* Mature my ass.